My body’s weight is for the most part in my life, is a non-issue.
I don’t think about it when I walk,
I don’t think about it when I have sex,
I don’t think about it when I’m showering.
I am a voluptuous woman.
I range sizes 12-16 in bottoms,
And I wear Small through Large in tops.
It doesn’t really matter, it varies brand to brand.
My body is an attractive shape to me.
I like the way my waist curves in and my hip curves out.
In fact, I really like this shape, so much so that my artwork is highly hourglass-centric.
My body inspires me. I love watching it move in different ways.
I like to dance and watch my reflection. I am highly aware of my supple spine.
It wasn’t always like this, though. My art used to be full of emaciated women with skeletal structures for bodies. Their clothes hung off of them like ghosts. My heart breaks to look back at these depictions of my struggles with my own body. I didn’t love my shape, my skin, my weight. I wanted to disappear, to fade into the background of life. My curves made me vulnerable to abusers or predators, so I wanted to become as stick-like as possible.
I was obsessed with making myself smaller, yearning for labels that said size 0, 00….
That was my tangible benchmark of a job well done.
If I saw those numbers, I was finally safe.
The numbers didn’t make me feel safe. I’d get endorphin highs from shopping and buying clothes for hours, searching out the perfect outfit that would make me look even smaller. But sometimes I even felt fat in size 0 pants and XS shirts. Overall, I still hated my body, and couldn’t stand how it looked. My heart was hurting.
Constant fixation on making your body smaller or your diet cleaner isn’t going to take away the nagging hole where your self-esteem used to be. It’s just not, I promise. I even incurred major illness with the extent I took my pursuit of thinness. The only thing that I’ve found to be useful is questioning your thinking about food, diet, your body, your relationships, and your own self-worth. These areas of my life have radically changed since I began questioning what I thought about them in 2009.
It wasn’t easy the whole way – some of these thoughts we have are pretty ingrained.
They are wily, slippery, and tricky to pluck out sometimes.
But the journey has been completely worth it.