I am Katerina Edwards Roy, affectionately known as Angel Eyes.
I am a survivor. I am a believer. I am an encourager.
A champion of the childlike spirit. I am a follower of Jesus Christ.
An artist. A poet. A songbird. A dancer. A vessel of divine love.
And this is my story:
Growing up, my mother often told me the story of myself as a 2 week old infant… of when she was at church during the holy communion and how I had once turned my little body, sat up and reached my arms out and excitedly grasped at something she couldn’t see, but felt was the presence of Jesus. She always would underline that this was no small feat for a 2 week old child, and that this was the one singular time I behaved that way as a baby… and that I proceeded to come back to rest in her arms, and develop at a normal rate after that. That experience was a confirmation for her in her own questioning of God, and the timing was so perfect it gave her quite the startle. It was then at two weeks old, my mother gave me the nickname of Angel Eyes. To this day, she retells the story with great enthusiasm and joy.
I was her first child born in faith, as she was told she couldn’t have children, for her lining was too thin. I was her miracle baby. I grew up loving Jesus and God and being so happy at church and even at one point wanted to be a nun (I lopped my hair off with crayons scissors and wore a black skirt on my head for a year so I could sit with the nuns and be like them). I would spend a lot of time drawing, dancing, singing, and creating… feeling loved and connected.
That feeling of safety and security in God changed when I was 6. My family system was shaken by tragedy – sexual abuse infiltrated my family and my childlike faith was shaken. I couldn’t understand why God would let something so terrible happen to us. The fallout from the abuse lasted for many years, and my siblings and I were very affected by trauma. I suffered much pain through my childhood years as a result.
With depression and darkness snapping at my feet, I began seeking answers again as a young teenager. I read self-help books. I sought wisdom and understanding through all the chaos and pain. I listened to wisdom from my deeply spiritual mother. I sought the deep love that I felt as a child, though it felt like a fantasy while I dealt with the harsh realities of abuse and trauma that were present amongst my complicated family relationships. Jesus and God showed up in darkest places, and my mother’s faith continually showed me that they are real and true… though I had been having a hard time trusting God after all the pain I had experienced.
The pain soaked deep. My teenage years were a mixture of depression, chronic illness, and repeated heartbreak. I felt like I was getting further and further from the reality that I knew before: that I was loved, valued, and cherished. I accepted poor treatment from friends, boyfriends, and put up with a lot of junk due to this spiritual amnesia. My perception and vision were clouded with anger at God, self-hate, and deep frustration. I acted in abusive ways towards myself, including developing body dysmorphia & eating disorder. My heart was aching and I needed God’s love more than ever.
My chronic illness worsened and I became bedridden at age 18. During this time, I began a dismantling process of letting go of my shame, questioning the thoughts that plagued my mind and created so much anxiety. I began seeking truth in earnest because I was drowning in the lies that were making my heart and body sick. I journaled and communicated with God extensively. I painted. I drew. I envisioned a better future than the prognosis I was getting from the doctors. I fixed my heart and my eyes on a total mind body spirit healing. And I became deeply determined to not just survive, but to thrive.
One of the fascinating experiences I had that really spoke to my Angel Eyes name was during that year I had first gotten so sick… I had a severe reaction to the drugs I was prescribed for the severe body pain I had, and landed myself in the hospital and didn’t remember a whole week of my life afterward. My mother’s priest thought it would be best for me to recover at the nun’s retreat house to keep me away from the conflicts at home while in a fragile state.
The first night I was there, I was angry that I was still alive. I hoped that I would die so I could escape the pain of living in my body. I cried out while looking at the painting of Jesus on the wall and said “If you are real, SHOW ME!” and fell asleep crying.
The next morning I woke up in the most wondrous of ways. I opened my eyes and as I rubbed my eyes I saw a band of color around my hand. I got up and looked in the mirror and saw a band of turquoise blue color all around me. Amazed, and stunned… I looked out the window and saw orbs of light dancing around the sky above the yard, with three purple figures of light standing on the grass. Completely shocked, I walked out of the retreat room and wandered down the hallway and looked at the people passing me by. Colors. So many colors. Green. Red. Blue. Black. White. In the same bands like I saw around myself. I knew these are called auras, but I couldn’t believe I was seeing them with my ordinary sight. I saw flashes of light that appeared in the auras of people who were about to speak. I saw auras changing color with people’s moods.
And the most wild part is that my vision stayed like this for 6 months. It wasn’t a fluke. It was an answer to prayer, in a way that I would recognize and believe the realness of God. I had my eyes checked, and even got a $4,000 brain scan to make sure I hadn’t completely lost my sanity. It was a true miracle that gave me the proof I needed to begin my journey of surrendering my deep pain to God, and asking him to come into my life and help me heal.
These eyes have seen much. Heavenly sights, and deeply human tragedies. Life continues to be a series of challenges, but faith in the unseen has continued to see me through. I still experience the miraculous regularly, on seemingly mundane levels and extraordinary levels. I have experienced so much healing in all ways: in my health, my relationships, communally, familialy, spiritually, creatively, sexually, in my self esteem and confidence, and with the deep traumas of my past. My heart continues this faith journey of trusting Jesus and God to guide my steps, and to be the grace and security I need as I walk out this life in this wild & beautiful world.